El Coyote

In what seems to be a definitive sign that my life has hit all new levels of the bizarre, I have a new problem: Coyotes. Literally. I'm not kidding.

In my quest to be the consummate professional, I agreed to stay on at this god-awful job for a few more weeks to help them transition (oddly enough, the transition period is longer then my actually employment, but I digress). The office is located at the base of Griffith Park, the largest urban park in the United States. Its a few thousand acres, so I'm not surprised that there is wildlife around. I am, however, surprised that said wildlife wants to be my new best friend.

Big Marv, the warehouse manager who also loves me a little more then I am comfortable with, called me outside this morning to show me a coyote that was standing on the hill above our office. A little while later, it was napping next to my car. Big Marv scared it away and then decided to go home and do his laundry (if he has nothing to do, he just leaves, which is interesting because if I did that, Crazy Boss man would track me down and kill me, but again, I digress).

At noon, I leave to take my normal lunch break and I am half way to my car when I see him (the coyote, not Big Marv) just staring me down. As I get closer to my car, it starts coming near me. I rushed into my car and drove away. Who are these assholes that say that coyotes are likely more scared of me then I am of them? That thing was salivating when it looked at me and something that is supposedly scared of me wouldn't be walking towards me licking its lips. When I got back from lunch an hour later, it was still there! It started walking toward my car again. I honked the horn and it ran away, but I stayed in my car for a few minutes on the phone with Caleb trying to figure out what exactly to do. All of Caleb's suggestions included reckless destruction of property and nonexistent weapons, leaving my only option to make a run for it, again.

So now I am here, in my office, but I really think its out there waiting for me. Plotting. Aren't those things supposed to be smart? And I made the mistake of looking up some facts; coyotes can run up to 40 mph. I sometimes don't think my car is going to make 40 mph anymore. My ulterior motive for posting this right now is so that if people stop hearing from me for a few days, call animal control or something because that means I am still in here and that smart little fucker found its way in and is holding me hostage or eating me or something.

Here I go again on my own...

This may be a world record for me, but after just 12 days on my new job, I quit. I didn't have time to tell you all about my new job because...pooof!...Its gone. The professional jargon is that there were "fundamental differences between my work style and my new boss.'" In layman's terms, he's unstable and he made me cry and I don't like him. His words of wisdom to me when I told him that I was quitting were "In the adult world, you will need to learn to work with other people's working styles." Fuck you very much, you bipolar muppet, was my first reaction (in my head, of course, I didn't say that out loud), but it also made me think a little.

When I was in college, we would always joke about my horrible track record with roommates. In my four years of undergraduate, I had 20 roommates. Twenty, 2-0. Now, in my defense, some of these were in group houses and naturally finite situations like dorm rooms and study abroad, but 20 is really a staggering number. How does someone go through that many roommates? If I recounted some of the stories, you would get the picture that many of these people were also a little bit eccentric, let's say. And now, that I am faced with leaving a second job with in two months of losing my last job, I really have to question: Is everyone else eccentric, or is it me?

Maybe I am the nutty one. Maybe I am the one that is just a little bit to the left of center. I think its been well defined already that I am not the brightest color in the crayon box (midnight blue), but am I creating these situations or do I attract these people? Which ever the answer, I am consistently in situations where the odd and the unbalanced are drawn to me, be it in my dating life, professional life, school life, etc. This recent job experience is just another glaring example of this. How do I stop the madness, or in this case, the madmen?

Alright, enough personal psychoanalysis. The big question is, what the hell am I going to do now? I need to find a job that has minimal interaction with people (since that ceases to be my strong quality) and that doesn't require logic, since I think I shed mine somewhere along the way. I may need to go back to the library.

Am I just boy crazy?

First, I must apologize for how long it has taken me to post anything. Between work and school I am beginning to think that free, flowing personal thought is a thing of the past. But here I am at 10:30pm at night trying desperately to post something of worth.

That is, of course, a futile endeavor. I think I am boy crazy. It amazes me that I haven't noticed it before, but I am a little on the nutty side. My friends would probably tell you that I have always been a few crayons short of a full box, but I honestly think that this is a new development. Since around July, after the whole ridiculous chain of bad dates, I've pretty much been on a dating hiatus. With the exception of a few random hook-ups, I have just taken a break from the opposite sex. I've actually really enjoyed it. I've stopped all experimentation with Internet dating. I haven't given out my number at any bars and I have politely refused more then one advance. And I have given a resounding "no" to anyone suggesting they may want to set me up.

I have, of course, been entertaining the idea of hiring a cabana boy. All I really want is a man to show up at my house on Sunday morning with coffee, bring in my morning paper, and then cuddle with me while we do the crossword. And that's it. He should just leave when we have finished the paper and there would be absolutely no need for contact at any other times. Is that too much to ask? Is that something that a guy would be interested in? I mean it really is the definition of No Strings Attached, right? Without the sex, of course.

I am too emotionally drained to pretend that I have any mental capacity to carry on anything but the most superficial of relationships right now. That hasn't stopped me from developing a completely inappropriate crush on a boy at school. I want to pass him notes and ask him to meet me on the playground at recess. Do you think he'd want to be my cabana boy? How do you ask someone a question like that with out sounding like you are looking for a hustler in Vegas? Maybe I should come up with a better position title then cabana boy, something more professional. My brain is too tired to think of anything now. I'll work on it.

Tonik my ass!

For anyone who has read this blog with any frequency, you may remember a post a while back in which I talked about what a horrible nightmare I can be to customer service people. I'm either your best friend or your worst enemy. Well, today is an example of the later and Tonik Healthcare is now going to know what it is when I decide to become an unholy terror and rain down upon them my vengeance.

Blue Cross, which I normally think to be a very reputable and easy-to-work with company, in their great wisdom has decided to try to appeal to the hip twenty-something generation (namely: us) by creating Tonik Healthcare. Their website is bright and shiny with pictures of snowboarders and bungee jumpers and the insurance plans have names like Thrill Seeker and Part-Time Daredevil. The plans themselves sound pretty good, they include dental and are pretty affordable. When I got laid off, I looked into the plans because they seemed like they would be less then COBRA. The salesman I talked to assured me that plans can go into effect the next day, or if they need to look into something, they'll let you know within a few days whether or not they will cover you.

Well, that is certainly not what happened for me and this is a copy of the letter I just emailed them:

To Whom it may Concern:

As a corporation that is desperately trying to attract the twenty-something set, I was sorely disappointed at your customer service to someone who is smack dab in the middle of the demographic you are trying to attain. I applied for your health insurance after being assured that I would have an answer quickly. I had recently been laid-off and wanted to avoid expensive COBRA costs and just get individual health insurance until I found a new position. I applied on August 29th, my current health insurance expiring on August 31st.

I was denied coverage, which I'm not debating. Those facts are completely separate. The issues that upset me so much are twofold. One, instead of contacting me through the email address I provided for you to let me know that I was not going to be covered, you sent out a letter, that was obviously not going to reach me until after the intended start date of September 1st. How is that playing to this demographic? Most twenty-something I know check their email a dozen times a day and open their mail maybe twice a week. I provided you an email address for a reason, I wanted a quick response and was assured I would get one by your sales representatives.

Secondly, the woman who answered the phone actually mocked me when I was obviously upset about having to call and find out this information instead of having been contacted by you. She told me that you have millions of customers and that you couldn't contact everyone. Well, I'm sorry to hear that my concerns and obviously my insignificant premiums are not enough to make me an important customer worthy of any type of practical communication. I will be very happy to post on every website that I know of, including my frequented blog, that this is how you will be treated if you are denied Tonik Healthcare. If you are so overwhelmed by your millions of customers, I can only imagine that had I received coverage from you, the customer service would have been more of the same.

I was impressed by your website and the services you were offering, but I am horribly disappointed by how I was treated and what's more, by how obvious it is that you don't actually know what it is that this demographic wants.

Sincerely,

Natalie

Just for the record, nobody mocks me without retribution. And when I called the salesman I had been dealing with and told him of this horrendous treatment, he actually said "I'm sorry to hear that, those people hate their lives." What? Is that an excuse for poor customer service? I seriously think that had this been a face to face encounter she would have stuck out her tongue and sang "na na na boo boo" with her thumbs in her ears. This woman was completely inappropriate. And you know what, if you hate your life darling, do the rest of us a favor and find yourself a whole and crawl in. Don't go answering phones for Tonik.

So here starts my campaign against Tonik Healthcare. If they are really so overwhelmed with their millions of customers, maybe I can do them a favor and help them lose a few.

(by the way, I completely lied about how "frequented" my blog is, but I'm okay with that.)