No Mas Tequila

In the spirit of the 4th of July, as our founding fathers envisioned it, I got smashed on tequila yesterday! Poor Dr. No passed out on the neighbor's lawn. Some dead alien thing was pulled out of the pool. And a 50-something friend's father tried to tongue me. I'm sure George Washington would have been proud.

Our story starts a long, long time ago (otherwise known as last summer) when I met a boy (who will from this point forth be referred to as Philly) that I really really liked. He was visiting his brother, PB, from Philidelphia and was in for the weekend. We hit it off automatically. One of those spark moments that you read about but rarely feel. We spent most of his trip together and when he came back a few months later, we did the same. And then it fizzled. I'd get an email here and there. He sent me a picture of himself at my favorite bar in Dublin (I used to live there and gave him a list of spots to hit when he was taking a trip out). But overall it was just a little fling that was never actually going to lead anywhere. Now, I don't usually consider myself an obsessive person. I have some tendencies, but normally, I'm fairly down to earth. But with this particular situation, I think I had it in my head that it was going to be so much more then it ever could have been. So I was a little bit devastated when the whole thing fell apart.

Flash forward to this past weekend. Lucky Bear and PB are planning a bbq at PB's uncle's house because PB's parents are in town. I adore PB but I felt weird about meeting his parents. It just felt odd to ingratiate myself with these people when it took me so long to get over my little infatuation with Philly. But everyone, including my mother, insisted there was no reason to feel like that. So I went, begrudgingly, with Dr. No in tow. When we got there, I immediately felt like I had been over reacting. Everyone was so nice. It was mostly Lucky Bear's co-workers, who I know and love. We swam, did a bunch of tequila shots, barbequed. All was moving along smashingly. Then the tequila started to kick in (and for everyone else, the pot they were smoking). Philly's Dad, Dr. No, and I were sitting at the bar. Dad starts asking all types of questions about my friendship with Dr. No. Then he starts insinuating that the only reason that I am best friends with a gay man is to mask my own homosexuality. He fully admits that he is bisexual therefore he thinks he has some expertise. He will not stop insisting that I am obviously a lesbian. Now I could have pulled out the "I slept with your son" card, but I really didn't want to get into it. Fortunately, Lucky Bear and PB had no problem pulling it out for me.

But he persisted. Especially once Dr. No became very intoxicated and I was taking care of him. Obviously my attention to the gay man was all about my own confused sexuality. I got so frustrated that I left the party at one point and called my mother, who gave me permission to politely tell him to fuck off. And then things got extremely uncomfortable. He would stare at me until I noticed and then lean over to who ever was next to him and say something sleazy about how gorgeous I am. Then came the touching. I couldn't turn around without him hugging me, or rubbing my back. It was like a bad TV movie (and I should know. I watch a lot of Lifetime). And then, more then once, he tried to kiss me. Now I was smashed, but these were no "aren't you sweet? you're my son's friend" kind of kisses. These were "if you weren't pushing me away, I'd tongue you right now" kind of kisses. It was at that point that I told Lucky Bear we needed to leave. Dr. No was still ridiculously drunk, but he had driven separately, so PB promised to take care of him. Lucky Bear and I walked to the car, Dad followed me and kissed my neck as he hugged me good bye. If I didn't adore PB so much, this was the point that I would have kneed Dad in the nuts.

I almost had a hissy fit in the car when we finally got out of there. Who does that? He's supposed to be a parental figure and he's hitting on a woman who he knows has slept with one of his sons, while his wife is passed out in the bedroom. Ew. That's all I can say. Ew! EW! EWWWWWW!!!!

Next time, I'm going with my first instinct. Stay home and watch Lifetime.