The Licker

It’s pretty much been a week of work work work. Very exciting, I know. It’s at times like these that I'm going to break out an oldie but a goodie from the never ending bag of my dating embarrassments.

Like many urban, working women, I have taken the foray into internet dating once or twice. Somehow I got it into my head that reading some over-blown self description with grainy photographs was better then chance drunken meetings in bars. I had tried two different sites with varying degrees of failure and had all but given up with the online dating idea when I had dinner with a group of successful, older women who were raving about the successes of The Onion Personals. Apparently witty, intelligent, attractive men were just pouring off this site and all a woman had to do was put up a profile to find interesting dates. How bad could that be?

I put up a profile. I tried to be witty and was fairly proud of the end result. Within a day or two I had a couple of interesting hits (and a few not so interesting ones that led to yet more stories, but that is for another post). After consultation with Lucky Bear, we picked one out that looked promising. His email was adorable, his pictures looked good, and his profile was intriguing. We emailed back and forth, IMed for a few days, and then decided to meet for coffee. I was really excited when he picked out one of my favorite neighborhood coffee spots, points for knowing good places.

The evening comes and I'm pleasantly surprised at how attractive he is when he walks up. Nicely dressed, cute, polite. When he suggests that we get food instead of just coffee, I'm totally up for that. We happen to be right next door to one of my favorite places. But he doesn't want to eat there. Though we are on a block with at least 6 restaurants, he wants to go down to Sunset to get Thai food. Whatever, I'm flexible. I ask if he wants to drive or if I should. Since he had walked there (about a mile and a half from his house), that left me to drive. I was a little put off, but no big deal.

We have dinner, everything is fine. He's laying it on a little thick, but not too horrible. He pays, even after I insist. Overall, at this point, I'm thinking second date, and maybe even a little action this evening. As we walk out, he asks if we can run across the street for a minute. I have no idea what's across the street, but hey, I'm going with the flow. This is where I went wrong. Across the street was a comic book store, where his favorite comic book writer was speaking. So now I'm geeking out with the kid and all the other creepies at the comic book store drooling over some guy I had never heard of. Not only that though, the guy pulls out a note book with questions he had written to ask the writer. The most exciting part for me was that Robbie Williams showed up. Oddly enough though, that may have been the most exciting part for my date too. When I pointed Robbie out to him, he squealed like a little girl and told me he had seen him in concert, twice.

We leave the comic book store after about an hour, but not before Geek boy gets a picture and an autograph. When he suggests a drink, I hesitate, which he takes as a yes. Once I realized that I was going to have to drive the carless-wonder home anyway, a drink seemed in good order. We go to a bar, he gets us drinks and we sit down to talk. It was loud and crowded, so he keeps moving in closer and making up reasons to touch me. I knew the date had to end when at one point he leans in to say something in my ear and then uses that as an excuse to start kissing my ear. That's when I conveniently became tired and remembered I had to work in the morning.

I drive him home, pull the car over, and hit my hazards. It’s a tiny street and cars have to go around me because there was no place to pull up to the curb. Now I'm not really sure what signals I was giving off, but apparently he was reading them as if I wanted to rip off my clothing right there in my car. Nevermind that I hadn't pulled off the street, ignore the fact that my car wasn't even in park, and particularly forget that I HADN'T EVEN TAKEN OFF MY SEAT BELT! He was going for it and really didn't seem to mind that I was not participating at all. I pretty much was just focused on my rearview mirror, hoping no one would hit me. Then out of no where, as if this was expectable by any stretch of the imagination, he leaned down and licked the length of my neck from my shoulder to my ear. He must have felt the uncontrollable cringe that came over me, I literally shuttered, but yet that did not deter him. Finally I just pushed him out of my car, said good night, and drove away. I went home and showered. Strange men do not usually lick my neck without some sort of prompting. And I absolutely was not prompting!

He called and emailed for a few days, but since I couldn't even see his number on my cell phone without shuttering and reliving that disastrous licking, I never returned his call. I'm still at a loss as to what part of my non-interest encouraged that type of behavior. Needless to say, my Onion profile has now gone dormant.